ITS PRIDE MONTH AND YOU GUYS ARE CONSISTENTLY WEIRD ABOUT LESBIANS, THE LESBIAN FLAG, THE LESBIAN EXPERIENCE — THEREBY YOU ARE REQUIRED BY LAW TO OFFER YOUR SUPPORT TO EMILY GWEN, THE CREATOR OF THE LESBIAN FLAG WHO IS CURRENTLY STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE WITH NO JOB AND NO CLOTHING FOR INTERVIEWS
In order to protect Dr. Kleiner from detection by the Combine while he is out gathering materials for his box lunches, Alyx and Barney have begun coating him in a thin layer of tree sap every morning. It is incredibly effective, as the birds, animals, and bugs that flock to Dr. Kleiner’s sticky naked body as a result of the tree sap’s scent completely mask his presence. This past Thursday, however, Combine Park Rangers have decided that small animals, bugs, and other sweets-loving creatures are a threat to the Combine as a whole, so a massive extinction effort took place. Within a few days, all adorable creatures within a 25-kilometer radius of City 17 had been eradicated. However, neither Kleiner, Barney, nor Alyx were aware of this, as they had slept through all of the action after a particularly filling box lunch feast. The next morning, Barney and Alyx dunk Dr. Kleiner into a tub of sweet tree sap as they do every morning, and bid him goodbye cheerfully. After the doctor has left, Barney notes how quiet the birds have been this morning, but thinks nothing of it. The two of them begin to get nervous when sundown arrives but their good friend and Dr. Kleiner, Dr. Kleiner has not yet come home.
They try to search for him, but it quickly grows too dark to look for their friend without making their presence obvious to the Combine, so they reluctantly retreat to their hideout. Neither of them have an easy time getting to sleep, spending more time laying awake worrying about their dear friend than actually sleeping. Eventually, dawn breaks, and it is once again relatively safe to search for Dr. Kleiner. Barney offers to search, as he could more easily lie his way out of a sticky situation with his position as an undercover Combine officer, but Alyx insists that she be the one to find her father’s best friend and possible lover. Barney reluctantly agrees, but tells her that if she’s not back by sundown he’s going to tell Eli about all of this so that they can set up a proper search party. Alyx leaves the hideout with a false show of confidence, Lamarr in tow to help in the search. Together, the two of them follow the trail Dr. Kleiner had left in the grass. Even though Lamarr’s canine sense of smell was far better than Alyx’s own, Alyx was still able to detect the strong sweet odor of the sap- at first. The farther they progressed, the fainter it seemed to get. The journey was grueling. At noon, Alyx decided to take a break, taking out her own water bottle and setting down a container of water for Lamarr. She only despairs about her missing friend for a moment before realizing just how quiet it was without her footsteps and Lamarr’s panting.
Suddenly the silence becomes deafening, even through the sound of Lamarr lapping up her water. Something isn’t right. Usually there’s birds, there’s insects, there’s animal life making noise in the day. Where did everything go? Alyx waits a bit longer to catch her breath and let Lamarr rest before getting back up, momentarily distracted from her original mission by the need to search for any life in the forest other than herself and Lamarr. No matter where they look, though, there’s nothing. No bugs or worms under overturned rocks, no birds tweeting above. Just as general unease begins to turn into fear, Lamarr suddenly starts barking and bounds away. Alyx desperately chases after her, not wanting to lose both Dr. Kleiner and his beloved companion, and is led into a clearing leading up to a bare hill with a familiar figure standing on it. Lamarr is already halfway up when Alyx gets to the base of the hill, barking and howling enthusiastically. Alyx races up, calling Dr. Kleiner’s name, but is quieted when she reaches the top. There he stands, eyes closed, arms outstretched, taking in the rays of sunlight. She reaches a shaky hand to touch him on the shoulder, but jolts backwards- the sap has hardened. Oh, god, if they had only gotten here sooner… Alyx tries to pick up the corpse, but finds that the sap has essentially rooted Dr. Kleiner in place. Tears run down her face, Lamarr howls in mourning.
The next day, a small service is held for the doctor at the peak of that hill. Barney regrettably could not be present, as he was tasked with trying his best to make sure no Combine patrols passed by. Wreaths of dried flowers now adorn Dr. Kleiner’s corpse, candles burn at his feet. Tears are shed, words are exchanged. Most leave after an hour, but one person stays behind- Eli Vance. He doesn’t have tears left to cry, not since he learned the news. All he can do is stand across from his lover and speak to him, tell him how much he meant to him, reminisce on the times they’ve had. Hours pass by, and soon Alyx comes back to make sure her father is okay and bring him home. He reassures her that he’s alright, reluctantly comes with her back to the hideout- but steals one last glance at the face of Dr. Kleiner before he leaves. The rays of the sunset bounce off of his tree sap coffin, making his face glitter. He has such a blissful expression… Eli has to tear his gaze away before he gets too emotional.
Years later, a baby is born. Everybody is overjoyed, a momentous occasion! Eli holds her in his arms, coos at her with a big grin on his face. Alyx watches proudly, glad that her father is so happy, excited for the baby’s parents. She just knows this child is bound for great things. And that baby’s name? Isaac Calhoun-Freeman.
